Trees

Have I mentioned how much I love the trees here in Austin?  It’s so nice to see hills and trees whereever you go.  Not one Saguaro in sight.

Collin loves them too.  When we first moved here he called them “crooked Lord of the Rings trees”.

Faith Stealers

Please note that this is a story of RESTORATION and God’s HEALING.  It is not an attempt to rehash and/or hold onto bitterness.  I share details so that people who may need validation in their own lives will know that I definitely understand just how dysfunctional churches can be…. not because they still influence my decisions or thoughts.  I know first hand it’s not easy and am just sharing my process of healing.  Thanks!

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You know how every once in a while you just wake up with something on your mind?  Something from way in the past and that you’ve worked through, but feels heavy on your heart and can’t seem to shake?  I woke up with that this morning.  I don’t know why.  I suppose hormones may be the likely culprit for me right now.  Whenever memories come up like this I remember how alone I felt and I think maybe God wants me to do something with it.

So, sorry if this is way to heavy for you!  Or you’re wondering why in the world I’m digging up ancient history here.  I just think maybe my experience and process will help someone else or maybe not.  But I’m putting it out there just in case.

For whatever reason I was thinking about my old youth pastor.  I loved him at the time, but looking back I’m not sure why.  I guess it’s one of those things where you don’t know how dysfunctional someone is, especially when you’re so young, until you step back.  If you went to this church or youth group with me – maybe you have some of the same feelings.  Or maybe you have no clue where I’m coming from or why because for some reason your experience was totally different.  But this was my experience and my process and I hope you respect that.  I have a feeling that some people would be angry about my opinions that I have from this church and say that I’m dramatizing it or I’m somehow betraying them or overreacting to them.  You obviously are going to have your own opinions, experiences and feelings, but these are mine.

Anyway, I think where most people adore their youth pastor and have fond memories of all the great times they had together, of having someone on their side, of sharing the excitement in seeing God flourish in everyone’s lives – it’s just not the case with me.  I look back and I just cringe.  I have GREAT memories of fun with my friends, but am left to wonder what the heck my youth pastor was doing there in the first place.  It makes me jealous when I hear of other people’s experiences where they had a really all-around awesome experience with their church growing up.  But, it was unfortunately not that way where I grew up.  Just some of the freakishly dysfuntional examples:

• He sat around talking with some of the youth boys about how much prettier my twin sister was going to be when we got older.  I know this, not from gossip or second hand.  I know this because I was there. Yes, he knew it and no, he didn’t care.  I guess he just saw it as fact so he could say it.  And once he told me that while my twin sister worked on her “outside”, I worked on my “inside”.  Which is kind of a rip to both of us.  Basically:  She’s shallow, you’re ugly.
• He took some of the youth boys out for a night on the town.  One of the activies they chose to do?  Literally drive through the bad part of town (Van Buren) and throw pennies at the prostitutes walking the streets.  They thought it was the most hilarious thing ever.
• Joked around a lot that the guys should go to strip clubs for “ministry”.
• When we were in 11th grade, we were made to go to the class with the Jr Highers which consisted mostly of 6th grade boys and two 7th grade girls to “even out the numbers”.  When we complained they accused us of just being selfish because we obviously just wanted to be with our friends.  When my parents talked to the leaders/youth pastor/elders of the church and said, “Well, yeah.  Of course they want to be with their friends and not 12 YEAR OLD BOYS!” and tried to convince them to let us be with our own age group, they were seen as whiners.  When my parents decided to leave the church because of it someone actually said, “Well, they’re just church-hoppers anyway.”  (When we’d been there for YEARS, btw)
• Once I had graduated from High School and moved on, my youth pastor called out of the blue.  I told him I was engaged. And he gasped and said, “YOU?!  We all thought you were gay!” (Apparently because I was super shy – especially around boys – he/”they” saw that as gay)  Then continued to say a bunch of mean things to me.  I eventually just hung up on him because he was going on and on full-on harrassing me and I haven’t talked to him since.

And this is the same guy who would guilt trip us because obviously the youth group wasn’t growing because we weren’t inviting our friends.  Yeah, it has nothing to do with you having no business being there and being a total and complete jackass.  Everything was guilt and manipulation… You really *should* be there every Sunday AM/PM, Wed PM, Friday PM WITH your friends and if not, you’re obviously not interested in being a “leader”.  Wanting to be a “leader” is the ULTIMATE sign of a good Christian for Southern Baptists, apparently.  He didn’t care about people.  He didn’t love people.  He took kids down to throw pennies at hookers for goodness sake!  I eventually took this an applied it to all Christians.  Christians don’t really care.  Christians don’t really love.  Christians just want to cast stones.  I honestly look back at my spritual life and can see how this one person almost totally destroyed my faith.

This is where some might roll there eyes and just call me dramatic.  Almost destroyed your faith?  Please.  If this is your reaction, do me a favor and just stop reading now.  This obviously is not written to you.

But to you others, keep in mind that my youth group was my life at the time.  My family was broke and we didn’t have money for extra-curricular school activities.  My Monday-Friday 8am-3pm was dedicated to school.  Any other possible spare moment was reserved for church activities.  It’s just the way my family did things back then.  This was the first person outside of my parents that held real “spiritual” authority in my life and he was a verbally abusive, passive-aggressive ass to me and hateful to people who he could be truly loving.   It makes me sad now, but for a long time I was just MAD.

For years because of my experience at this church I was angered by and untrusting of “The Church” as a whole and any church I’d visit. Every time I stepped into a church I’d hear all of the checklists and guilt trips and manipulations of what I “should” be doing.  I’d see how it really had nothing to do with “growing in your walk” like they were pushing it as being about. It would really be about an agenda – “shoulds” that would only benefit them and help them meet their numbers or help them meet their budget or fill their spots for serving at their fuctions.  (I’m positive this was the truth at some of the churches, but I’m sure there were some lovely churches that had good hearts and I took it that way because I was so untrusting of Christian authority figures and was VERY cynical.)  I became increasingly annoyed that churches were so consumed with themselves.  What about LOVING people (besides yourselves)? What about SERVING people (besides yourselves)?

I felt like I tried.  And tried. And tried to connect with people, but wound up always getting hurt and/or being misunderstood.  I’d go to Bible Studies where people would proudly say that they’ve never EVER questioned anything about their Christian beliefs.  They were told it growing up, believed it and it never occured to them to question it.  (all they missed was the motion of patting themselves on the back.)  Of course I sat there in confused silence since all I did was question everything I’d been taught.  HOW CAN YOU NOT QUESTION?!  I’d wonder it to myself, but never ask because I refused to be judged by these girls.  They wouldn’t have understood and would have felt sorry for me because my faith was obviously so weak.

This whole process eventually brought me to become angry and untrusting with GOD… The Church is supposed to be God’s heart and if that was God, I didn’t want to be part of him or anything having to do with him.  Everyone I knew that didn’t go to church was much more loving and accepting and understanding than anyone I’d ever met at church.  I didn’t go to church for about 2 years, during which time I was extremely furious with God. Dave wasn’t, but he allowed me to go through the process I needed to go through.  He acknowledged and understood why I felt the way I did and just stood by me while I had my years of spiritual temper tantrums to which I am very thankful because it was just important to the process of healing.

God walked me slowly to a place of healing with Himself and then The Church.  He’d lead me a few steps and then wait patiently when I sprinted back to my hiding spot and comfort zone and cynical nature.  Then he’d walk me a little further.  Eventually, I came crashing back on my knees in humble thankfulness when I realized how constant God truly was in my life.  How while I was hating him for things he didn’t do, he was loving me.  I accused him of abandoning me; he showed me times when he was taking care of me and I was too self-involved to see.  God wooed me back and I trusted him completely.  So when I felt that he was leading me back to going to church, I actually tried, and ONLY because I trusted him and knew it would be for a reason.  I personally did not want to do it.  You guys, I literally was sweaty and shakey and would cling to Dave’s hand when we walked into places.  I didn’t trust these people as far as I could throw them; I was a nervous wreck, but I was going.  Pretty quick in the process God brought us to Epic, where we worshipped the last 4 years while we were in Phoenix.  I felt like God had created this church almost specifically for me.  (Narcissistic much? )  It was the perfect church for our family. The people were so real.  And loving.  And accepting.  And fun.  While continuing to truly trust in God and his word.  I made some awesome friendships that I never thought I’d make.  And God used this particular group of people to show me that there are Christians in this world who just want to show Christ’s Love.  No agenda.  This was where everything came full circle and God healed all of those hurts and abuse from the past… and I feel so much lighter because of it.

Does that mean I don’t see flaws within Christian society?  Absolutely not.  It’s freakishly flawed.  A lot of it still makes me cringe.  It’s embarrassing to be associated with certain Christians.  But one thing I’ll never do again is let someone else’s warped view of God steal away my faith.

It makes me sad knowing that people are going through similar experiences with their churches and people they’re supposed to trust.  I know I am not the only one who has gone through such struggles in my faith and I just want to say to anyone who is in the middle of working it all out… anyone who wants to trust God, but is afraid because of so many past hurts… that this is something that can be healed.  It may take time, but trust God step by step.  He’s not judging you for your feelings.  He’s simply loving you.  Don’t worry about the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”.  Don’t worry about going to church if you need a break.  Don’t worry about anything.  Just focus on allowing God to love you and ask God where he wants you to love.

Psalm 34

Happy Weekend

Here are some random picture to make you smile.  Hope you have a great weekend!

1. coffee art, 2. Cool Camper, 3. i Love my tattoo, 4. 365 Days Project – Day 5: Human Nature, 5. …THOUGHTS OF BLISSFUL MORROWS…, 6. Finally……., 7. Quac School, 8. KEEP CALM AND HAVE A CUPCAKE by Everyday is a Holiday, 9. Spirals, 10. stavropoleos, 11. Plitvice Lakes – Turquoise Pool, 12. burnt out

30 Weeks

The Belly.

The Back Aches.

The Ever-Growing Butt.

The Groaning when Standing Up.

The Groaning when Sitting Down.

The Groaning Walking Up the Stairs.

The Constant Trips to the Bathroom.

The Nights of Restless Sleep.

The Start of Water Retention.

30 Weeks has never been so sexy.

First Day Pictures

Last Day of Summer

School starts Monday!  Today we celebrated the last day of Summer with a family morning trip to IHOP!  Yum!

(That’s my DECAF coffee for all you people who want to judge out there. )

Collin brought his book about Weather and we got to read a few pages before the food came.  (He was really excited about that. ) And look!  An actual normal smile!  This was a big deal (see Sonic Face 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 if you don’t believe me.)

Drew is going, “Where’s Mommy?” with his hands in this picture because I was behind the camera.  What a cutie.  He enjoyed playing with his Thomas trains and pretending to feed them some of his pretzels.  The funny thing is he wouldn’t feed Harold the Helicopter.  lol  I guess pretzels are only for trains.

Open House Night

First Anniversary

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since your beautiful day!  Hope you two had a great Anniversary!

Baby Violet’s a Squash!

From The Bump:

“Baby’s energy is surging, thanks to the formation of white fat deposits beneath the skin. (Have those kicks and jabs to the ribs tipped you off yet?) Baby is also settling into sleep and waking cycles, though — as you’ve also probably noticed — they don’t necessarily coincide with your own. Also this month, all five senses are finally functional, and the brain and nervous system are going through major developments.”

I’m still a bit anxious about needing to be induced again due to HELLP.  So I’m just praying we get her to the size of a Honeydew (the next month’s food).  Dave knows some people who developed HELLP, and although doctors say it’s rare, developed it again with their next pregnancy.  I’m always cautious because “rare statistics” didn’t seem to apply last time around for me and almost EVERYTHING that could have happened, happened.  Plus, the high-risk doctors told me I’d have about a 45% chance of developing preeclampsia this time around.  So we’re doing a TON around here trying to get ready for next month, just in case.  Saturday I worked on Drew’s artwork and Sunday we spent the day turning our Den into a playroom.  We have little details to finish here and there, but for the most part the playroom is in place.  We’re waiting to order Violet’s new crib, but got her bedding in the mail the other day… it’s a nice basic white with brown trim from pottery barn kids.  I’ll be sure to take pictures of the room when it’s finished.  It’s looking pretty cute so far.

She is kicking like CRAZY lately.  You know, those BIG kicks and punches that move the whole belly.  It’s awesome and fun to watch.  She especially moves at night when I finally lay down to bed, so I guess she’ll be a night owl.  I guess it might be fitting that her part of the room is “O is for Owl”.  Hmm… maybe I should’ve thought that one through…

And, you know, it never ceases to amaze me how you can love someone so much before their real debut into the world.  I cannot wait to hold her!

Working on the Baby Room

Yesterday I spent all day working on some Wall Art for the Baby Room.  Drew’s area is going to be “C is for Cars” so I whipped these up.  I LOVE THEM! (If I do say so myself.)

First I drew the outline of each car with pencil.  When I was happy with the look, I then followed with permanent ink.  Then I scanned them into Photoshop and found some awesome vintage textures for the background.  Dave helped me position them just right and we printed them out and put them into frames!  I was surprised it only took one day for all four.

I love them because they were my idea from start to finish and I’ve never seen this specific look before.  It’s a happy creative outcome for me.

Today I plan on working on an owl painting for above Violet’s crib… hopefully I’ll be just as happy with that as I am with this!